“your honor, I would like to remind the members of the jury how pretty you look today”
— Brent (@murrman5) August 12, 2014
Let the record show that the defendant pointed at me when I asked who the coolest lawyer ever was.
— patrick (@tastefactory) June 19, 2014
FUN PRANK: Leave a falcon to someone in your will, you never had a falcon, but everyone will be like “where the fuck is the falcon?”
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2014
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
— patrick (@tastefactory) August 12, 2014
[Date] I just realized this appetizer coupon is expired. I’m going to need you to distract the waiter while I sneak out of here.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) August 11, 2014
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise” Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
— refriend beans (@pharmasean) July 7, 2014
being an adult is like learning for the first time that santa isn’t real every single day
— ballin’ ass furlin (@thefurlinator) August 4, 2014
me: time to sleep, brain brain: i said hip hop the hippie to the hippie to the hip hip a hop you don’t sto
— ashley barnhill (@ashley_barnhill) August 1, 2014