[puts cup attached to string against ear] "uh hello?"
new cup who dis
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chuuch (@ch000ch) November 03, 2025Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
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Denise! (@Stellacopter) March 05, 2025****
"our little jack just turned 39 months today--" hold on let me whip out my god damn TI-83 for this one
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nicole (@relatabledad) September 26, 2025how do i tell a girl i love you without it being obvious that im talking to her dog
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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 23, 2025****
god: come to church
me: sorry im busy
god: my parents aren't home
me: http://t.co/32UqIvysyy
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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 17, 2025When I was going into surgery my dad said "Good luck w/ your surgery" and I said "you too" so now my dad has to get surgery too, he's pissed
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patrick (@tastefactory) October 06, 2025****
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
"..y..o..u..'r..e.."
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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 06, 2025When you delete someone's number from your phone it'd be cool if they heard a dumpster lid slamming shut on their end
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Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 10, 2025****
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
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Ryantractor (@rzarosco) December 24, 2025barista: uh did u just say "venti ebola macchiato"
me: don't be ridiculous. i said a grande ebola macchiato.
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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 03, 2025****
sometimes i wonder if my fish look at me through the aquarium glass and think "fuck off nerd."
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chuuch (@ch000ch) October 03, 2025bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
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EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 03, 2025
White House.gov
