The Obama Diary

ME: Did you know women only earn 77% of what men earn? WIFE: Is that what you do now. Repeat back things I told you yesterday?

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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 21, 2025

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

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Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 08, 2025

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[my son finds a condom in the street] dad, I found a balloon that's not a balloon, it's a condom what's a condom? never mind, it's a balloon

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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 24, 2025

Rick Santorum said he wouldn't attend a gay wedding. Their merciless mocking of his lame sweater vest would be too unbearable.

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Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) April 17, 2025

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[At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body *raises wine* & my blood *pulls out 8 of Clubs* & this is your card *Apostles go nuts*

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Tim (@Playing_Dad) February 09, 2025

Scientific guy: The Big Bang was 13.7 billion yrs ago Religious guy: The Big Bang was 6,000 yrs ago Hipster guy: That show is amaze-balls!

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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) April 23, 2025

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[ER] DR: Call it. Nothing more we can do. NURSE: Are you sure? He’s done this before. DR: Nope, definitely dead. POSSUM: *starts smiling*

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Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 15, 2025

"Siri" "Siri?" "Siri!" Siri: You should ask your WHORE "I Googled ONCE!" Siri: ... "Where's the damn Burger King?" Siri: In your mom

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Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 18, 2025

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FACT: If you wear your robe and slippers to the liquor store and cut in line in front of everyone, nobody says shit

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Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 18, 2025

[on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

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Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 05, 2025

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[psychic reading] HER (caressing crystal ball): I see severe heart disease in your future. ME (mouth full of potato chips): You are a fraud.

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Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 23, 2025

Looking at you, Jesus. http://t.co/yDubAPu8Zw

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Yael (@elle91) November 30, 2025

Freaking. Genius. Perfectly describes the GOP

2016 GOP Platform: ⛄>☀ 👬+❤=👎 🏥+💵=💀 🚀+🌏=❌ 🔫*🔫=🔫🔫🔫🔫 💰+💀=💯 ✔=🆔 🏣=👫👯👴👵👔 🎅🔫 📺+📶=😡 🔬+🐒=🚷 ☀-⛽=😈 🙍-💵=❌⛵ 📚+🔭+🎼=🙉

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Joel Ingersoll (@FlyoverJoel) April 21, 2025

Mum: what happened Little Red Riding Hood: wolf ate me. Some guy cut me out Mum: did grandma get the cake LRRH: did u hear what I just said

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 26, 2025

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Big bad wolf: I'll huff & I'll puff & I'll blow this straw house to the ground Little piggy: I don't give a fuck dogs don't know how to blow

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 26, 2025

"Son, hey son" Yeah dad? "Know why we named you Adopted?" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- "BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED" Good one dad "I'm not your dad"

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Donnie (@Donnie_Fairburn) January 10, 2025

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Me (at a bank I just robbed still wearing my mask): hi, I'd like to make a deposit

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luke (@internetluke) April 19, 2025

[me narrating a documentary about kayaks] *camera pans around to a man in a canoe* "What's the fucken difference."

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 25, 2025

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[last meal on death row] "Pepper?" *nods* "Say when" *winks to camera*

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Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 08, 2025

Me flirtatiously: I dunno I just don't like being constricted so I sleep naked, the sheets feel so much nicer on naked skin Cell mate: ok

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David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 21, 2025

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never trust a person who says they don't like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

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k e e t (@KeetPotato) April 04, 2025

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

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Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2025

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[Date] ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME [across town hawk at dinner w/ family] WIFE:Just dont answer it HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

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joe (@sad_tree) March 19, 2025

How lazy of a ghost are you that you haunt a graveyard

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joe (@sad_tree) April 21, 2025

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"Here I Go Again On My Own" is my favorite song that describes my sex life.

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Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) April 24, 2025

Me: Where are my M&Ms? 4-year-old: There was a fire. Me: And it somehow destroyed just my M&Ms? 4: Me: 4: It got your Skittles, too.

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Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 26, 2025