mafia boss: "i want you to send tony the rat a message"
me: "like what"
mafia boss: "a horses head or sumthin"
me: [sends txt: "hey tony 🐴"]
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k e e t (@KeetPotato) April 27, 2025I used to get annoyed by guys on loud motorcycles until I found out they're all on their way to find their biological fathers.
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Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 16, 2025****
Every time Iggy Azalea freestyles, an angel dies
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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 14, 2025ME: did you know... sharks kill 12 people per year, but humans kill 11,417 sharks an hour?
MY SHARK FRIEND: please put the gun down dude
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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 03, 2025****
ladies, sex with me is like gun control. no matter how much we talk about it nothing happens bc we can't get it to work down south
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mustard (@nice_mustard) January 22, 2025MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU
ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead*
MUGGER: ???
ME: I'm thinking.
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jade (@Jade_VK) February 24, 2025****
I got hit on by a car today
"Don't you mean hit by a car?"
*Lightning McQueen pulls up beside me and honks*
NICE ASS BUDDY
*I sigh*
No
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Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 03, 2025Dogs are more loyal than cats. A dog would never tell the cops about my meth lab Maurice
[maurice plays with a toy mouse as im driven away]
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Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 18, 2025****
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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(maura) (@behindyourback) December 26, 2025The most bad ass event of my childhood was when my grandma sliced my other grandma's head off with a katana and said "there can be only one"
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Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) May 04, 2025
White House.gov
