The Obama Diary

Apologies if you've already seen a raccoon riding an alligator today. (Photo: Richard Jones) m.wftv.com/news/news/loca… http://t.co/4m4YuJDMps

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Meredith Frost (@MeredithFrost) June 14, 2025

Hush little baby, don't say a word, Snitches get stitches, it's time you heard.

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Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 14, 2025

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whoa buddy I'm just here for some ice cream http://t.co/E0ijQiv7va

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chem (@beardofprey) March 09, 2025

Sex is a lot like the movie Poltergeist. The TV is on, stuff is flying around, a clown is strangling you.

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pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 01, 2025

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i just yelled "hail satan" across the office. Everyone gasped, except for Debra. Debra slowly raised the horns.

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TwıtterversalSoldier (@Jonny_Wags) April 25, 2025

"I'll be on Larry King tonight." - a diaper

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aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) June 04, 2025

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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

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Mike Bianchi (@Mike_Bianchi) May 23, 2025

*puts out arm* *falcon lands on it, perfectly* "I want everyone to know: I trained this bird." *mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*

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Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 21, 2025

Please, tell me more about how Obama has made America a dangerous place, person who hasn't vaccinated her kids

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♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 23, 2025

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me

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slick (@fanofhell) October 17, 2025

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Dead 😂😂

Last month my mom asked what "af" meant and I said it meant "like REALLY something" without saying what it stood for http://t.co/LPslZ4Sg45

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♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 01, 2025

There’s gotta be a few seconds during a bear attack where the bear is huggin you and you’re just like “aww.”

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Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) October 27, 2025

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Duck internet search history: Bread Bread pudding? what is "breadwinner" how to become breadwinner where to win bread Duck boobs Free bread

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Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) July 30, 2025

[first date] Me: damn girl, your hair is on fleek! You're so bae! That jacket is 100 emoji! Her: are you okay

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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) May 20, 2025

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[at the pearly gates] God: I remember you Me: you do? God: yeah, you were the kid who when your mom asked you to say grace just said "grace"

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refriend beans (@pharmasean) May 22, 2025

I'm God's gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

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Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 07, 2025

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Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

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Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) January 23, 2025

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar* Mom: How was school? Son: ok Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

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ceeks (@70Ceeks) December 06, 2025

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"I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..." WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."

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jade (@Jade_VK) May 21, 2025

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

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dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 16, 2025

I fixed @jebbush's new logo. Now it's perfect. http://t.co/QDWUtxltxZ

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Rob Tornoe (@RobTornoe) June 14, 2025

This escalated quickly http://t.co/Py1HsWWBYQ

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Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) June 10, 2025

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YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you. ****************** YOU: I murdered someone. YOUR CAT: Me too.

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Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 10, 2025

"Welcome to 'Mind Your Own Business Club.' Sorry I'm so late." [Jim raises hand] Where have you been? "Someone please escort Jim outside."

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Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 14, 2025