Today was a dark day in European history – Ireland finished last in the Eurovision Song Contest ….. out of 26 countries ….. with this epic tune.
They got five points, just 276 fewer than the winners, Denmark.
Their only votes came from Cyprus (2), Sweden (2) and the UK (1) – nothing from Greece, for example, which Ireland will remember next time there’s a European Union vote on bailing them out.
This is the musical equivalent of the fall of the Roman Empire, because Ireland have won more Eurovision Song Contests than any other country in the entire, total and complete history of Europe.
What’s gone wrong? Democracy, that’s what. Before the break up of the Soviet Union, everything was fine, Ireland kept winning, but then about 95,000 new Eastern European countries won independence, got to enter the Eurovision Song Contest, didn’t like Ireland’s music, gave them no votes, and that was that.
So tonight I say: “Mr. Gorbachev, put that wall back up.”