A lot of people I know have bad vocabulary, but I hang out with them irregardless.
— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) August 4, 2014
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 23, 2012
They say you can tell what someone’s like in bed by watching them dance, but I disagree because I almost never use my inhaler while dancing.
— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) July 30, 2014
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 5, 2014
Whenever they say “guac is extra” I say “yea, extra YUMMY” and I boop their nose
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 24, 2014
no babe, I don’t think he needs a tutor “you’re just saying that because it costs money” [son pauses xbox] yeah dad, quit being a cheapsteak
— Brent (@murrman5) August 8, 2014
Zoo: So what your saying is I can’t buy a Bengal tiger? No they are endangered More like “in danger” of not living in my awesome backyard
— foxy•moron (@nursemella) February 28, 2014
*walks into boardroom for job interview* I’d like to start by saying that I mean none of you any harm.
— Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) July 18, 2014
So you’re telling me I have to follow like 100 different laws but ducks just get to walk around here like they own the fuckin place?
— Ryan (@rzarosco) September 6, 2013
I order soup on a first date so girls know off the top that I’ll never be “changing a tire” or “fixing drywall”.
— Christopher Sherk (@TheIronSherk) July 3, 2014
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
— patrick (@tastefactory) January 23, 2013
Welcome to Sarcastic Club Im sooo happy to see you all Anyone know the 1st rule? “Be less sarcastic?” Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 29, 2013
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
— deg (@degg) October 13, 2013
“Could I see you in my office?” -No, probably not And at that exact moment, Bill began to regret hiring a ghost to work for him
— Bogey Knight (@ehchino) August 4, 2014
[Campfire] *Holds flashlight under face being spooky* And then…HE PULLED OUT THE USB WITHOUT EJECTING SAFELY! *nerds gasp* *One throws up*
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) August 6, 2014