*wife icing waiter's jaw while I talk to the police*
"I thought he said boner petite"
—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 19, 2025
Son: Why do you cry whenever that song comes on the radio?
Dad: Your grandfather was rocked to death by a crocodile.
—
Beau Hartenstine (@madcaplaughs30) November 20, 2025
****
I'm close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word "awesome" 10 times in a row to describe a guy.
—
Look Away Mom&Dad (@LookAwayMomDad) April 08, 2025
AMERICAN: I used Photoshop
ENGLISHMAN: What's that
AMERICAN: I meant Photoshoppe
ENGLISHMAN: Oh of course my good man care for some crisps
—
Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 19, 2025
****
me: i mean seriously guys, what idiot gets killed by an astroid
crowd: [laughing]
dinosaurs in crowd: wow fuck this guy
—
chuuch (@ch000ch) November 22, 2025
🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶
—
ibid (@ibid78) November 14, 2025
****
My son asked why mommy & daddy sometimes lock the bedroom door, so we told him the truth. We're searching the internet for his real parents.
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) November 26, 2025
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
"This is my 24th winter"
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2025
****
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
—
shauna (@goldengateblond) November 20, 2025
*beetle opens front door for bug party guests*
BEETLE: Hey guys come on in! Could everyone please take off their shoes?
CENTIPEDE: Fuck
—
patrick (@tastefactory) November 27, 2025
****
[At funeral]
"USA… USA…"
*Stands up*
"USA… USA!"
*Crowd joins in slowly*
"USA! USA!"
*Widow jumps up & pounds on casket like a drum*
USA! US
—
A Pile of Cheese (@Cheese_Pile) June 26, 2025
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my 'Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist' mug: which school do they go to?
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 23, 2025
****
[bring your kid to work day]
And this is the desk where I wish for death every day so you can have your stupid goddamn toys isn't this fun
—
Thanksgiving Hippo (@NicestHippo) November 19, 2025
why do baby's clothes need pockets? what do they carry around? baby wallets? fuck off
—
Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 26, 2025
****
Me: What is... can I kiss you Alex?
Alex: Once again no, please stop asking, you are at negative $87,000
—
Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 19, 2025
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you're thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
—
jamie lee coitus (@johnbiehl) November 10, 2025
****
Found this in the laundry room lmao http://t.co/2yPU8F1Wsp
—
eric (@dubstep4dads) November 23, 2025
every christmas my bff and i send cards to random addresses http://t.co/4XQl5p8UCN
—
Kathleen (@kathradical) November 21, 2025











































