The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down...and that's when things got interesting.
—
Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) July 17, 2025
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"
—
brent (@murrman5) July 12, 2025
****
[me sitting angrily in the basement]
[wife from upstairs] Your daughter says she's sorry!
[Me] Tell her I dont play Candyland with cheaters!
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) July 15, 2025
[t-rex getting lucky on first date]
girl: aren't you gonna take my bra off?
t-rex: *sweating* let's just keep kissing
—
not in this economy, (@i_eat_fruit) June 02, 2025
****
Spiderman
Spiderman
He can shoot sperm from his hands
U might think
this is web
you'd be wrong
jizz instead
Look out
Here cums the Spiderman
—
Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) September 10, 2025
i was watching this great pornography video but one of the dudes in it started cussing so i got offended & turned it off. im a christian man
—
ev rat (@rad_milk) July 20, 2025
****
If I read another crazy theory about how advertising is brainwashing us I swear I'll drive a new, fully redesigned Ford F-150 off a cliff
—
Shawn (@CakeThrottle) May 13, 2025
Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
—
ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) May 15, 2025
****
If Donald Trump wasn't born a millionaire he probably would have been stabbed in a Walmart by now
—
Not a doctor (@SuperTeeWhy) June 29, 2025
"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime."
"Is it something I said?"
"Yes."
—
(@Tommytoughstuff) September 27, 2025
****
Yes, I've considered accepting Jesus Christ into my life as my lord and savior, but I've also considered fucking a warm bagel.
—
very excite knth (@painted_eel) February 10, 2025
WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you
MAN: Women are so mysterious
—
Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2025
****
[watching a porn shower scene] cmon guys hurry it up, we're in a drought
—
Trent (@trentistweeting) July 22, 2025
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me
No
—
Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) December 21, 2025
****
"daddy where do babies come from"
"we just don't know, sweetie...*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* "...we just don't know"
—
Lanny Beavis (@crushingbort) February 28, 2025
CAT: HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! I'VE BEEN IMPRISONED MY WHOLE LIFE WITH NO END IN SIGHT!
ME: you're so cute meowing out the window, yes you are
—
chris from linkedin (@chrisscamurra) May 21, 2025
****
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much...
—
Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) May 02, 2025
[applebees]
ME: where's the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
—
hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) April 23, 2025

























