me, without money: money is the root of all evil. the things u own end up owning u
me, with money: ya can i get 20 mcchickens
—
chris scarlette (@ChrisScarlette) November 21, 2025
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
—
It's Abby already (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2025
****
GOD: How many more animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
GOD: And how many more legs do we have?
ANGEL: 100
CENTIPEDE: dibs!
SNAKE: asshole
—
Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) June 29, 2025
It's so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) March 28, 2025
****
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 30, 2025
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
—
trev (@sploosk) September 12, 2025


























