The Obama Diary

Thanks for sending flowers but when I said my aunt was sick I meant at freestyle battle raps.

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Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 05, 2025

"dad can I get a tattoo?" no [10 minutes later] out of curiosity, what did you wanna get? "dinosaur revving a dirtbike" I'll ask your mother

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Brent (@murrman5) November 06, 2025

****

*Biden pokes head into Oval Office* Barry, we're Republicans, right? "No Joe. We're Democrats." *Hides WE'RE #1 foam finger behind back* Oh.

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būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) November 05, 2025

If you work in a factory that makes more than one "World's Best Dad" cup, how do you even sleep at night?

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Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) November 03, 2025

****

There’s a fine line between stupid and clever and I usually blow right past it at about 90 mph

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Musky Lozenge (@LostCatDog) October 30, 2025

Babies are like tattoos. They're yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they're not all gross looking.

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Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 02, 2025

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[bank robbery] OK EVERYONE BE COOL! [everyone starts smoking cigarettes] [dave starts coughing] Damn it Dave you're gunna get us killed!

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PaperWash© (@PaperWash) November 04, 2025

me: [wearing my cool goth clothes] some guy yelling from a car: halloween was yesterday me: halloween is forever bitch

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wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) November 01, 2025

****

When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

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Kim Monte (@KimMonte10) November 19, 2025

if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die

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  (@huntigula) March 31, 2025

****

My wife and I are both feminists. But as a man, I’m a tiny bit better at it.

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Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) November 06, 2025

those pants look great on u, but they'd look better on the floor [I kneel down and start kissing the floor] sharon please leave the room now

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eric (@dubstep4dads) July 09, 2025