An old fave :-)
An old fave :-)
Thanks for sending flowers but when I said my aunt was sick I meant at freestyle battle raps.
—
Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 05, 2025
"dad can I get a tattoo?"
no
[10 minutes later]
out of curiosity, what did you wanna get?
"dinosaur revving a dirtbike"
I'll ask your mother
—
Brent (@murrman5) November 06, 2025
****
*Biden pokes head into Oval Office*
Barry, we're Republicans, right?
"No Joe. We're Democrats."
*Hides WE'RE #1 foam finger behind back*
Oh.
—
būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) November 05, 2025
If you work in a factory that makes more than one "World's Best Dad" cup, how do you even sleep at night?
—
Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) November 03, 2025
****
There’s a fine line between stupid and clever and I usually blow right past it at about 90 mph
—
Musky Lozenge (@LostCatDog) October 30, 2025
Babies are like tattoos. They're yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they're not all gross looking.
—
Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 02, 2025
****
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYONE BE COOL!
[everyone starts smoking cigarettes]
[dave starts coughing]
Damn it Dave you're gunna get us killed!
—
PaperWash© (@PaperWash) November 04, 2025
me: [wearing my cool goth clothes]
some guy yelling from a car: halloween was yesterday
me: halloween is forever bitch
—
wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) November 01, 2025
****
When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.
—
Kim Monte (@KimMonte10) November 19, 2025
if you're feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die
—
(@huntigula) March 31, 2025
****
My wife and I are both feminists. But as a man, I’m a tiny bit better at it.
—
Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) November 06, 2025
those pants look great on u, but they'd look better on the floor
[I kneel down and start kissing the floor]
sharon please leave the room now
—
eric (@dubstep4dads) July 09, 2025

Bilateral meeting with President Obama and President Xi of China Hall of the People (Pete Souza)