why'd daddy go first?
"to show you theres no reason to be afraid of the dentist"
[sounds of a commotion] SIR STOP HISSING AT ME LIKE A SNAKE
—
Brent (@murrman5) November 26, 2025*clerk puts up 50% off cargo shorts sign*
*ground rumbles*
*manager runs out*
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*dads crash thru wall with Discover cards*
—
būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) November 25, 2025****
[boss asking phil if he deserves the promotion over me]
"well, I've been an asset here for yea-
[from outside bosses office] FIGHT ME PHIL
—
Brent (@murrman5) November 26, 2025"Sorry, boss. I can't come in today."
"Why not?"
[fakes a sore throat]
"I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."
—
(@UNTRESOR) November 14, 2025****
When ur family says they'll be serving sweet potatoes instead of regular good potatoes http://t.co/BMv1Pd9xVU
—
Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 26, 2025Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what's upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
—
PaperWash© (@PaperWash) November 22, 2025****
*showing mom how to use her phone*
What's the blue button with the bird?
THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!
—
THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) November 23, 2025*walks into school & grabs the intercom*
"IT'S ALL LIES.YOULL NEVER USE MATH IN REAL LIFE"
*fighting noises*
"SUBTRACT MATH FROM YOUR LIVES"
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 19, 2025****
wow this message included in boxes of Erector Sets to parents in 1969 is real, amazing, and still true today and real http://t.co/qF78k0vfoI
—
Eli Terry (@EliTerry) November 24, 2025dorothy: tin man, ill miss u most of all.
tin man: what do u mean im ri-
*slits his throat with can opener*
dorothy: sshhhhhh.
—
timmy pumpkin (@TimmyPumpkin) January 30, 2025****
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn't spanish
me: ya see
—
Brent (@murrman5) November 21, 2025[waves to another kia driver as he passes]
"why did that man wave at you dad?"
because we've both made the same mistakes in life son
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) November 19, 2025
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