My god, imagine being all three at the same time. http://t.co/tiJeGNSQcL
—
būč|{¥ |$0+øp€ (@BuckyIsotope) November 08, 2025I like big PUTTS & I can not lie
You other golfers can't deny
When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin you get PAR
—
Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) November 11, 2025****
My wife is away, so I have to get both my kids ready for school by myself. For lunch, I packed them both an iTunes gift card
—
Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 06, 2025[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
"Why no pants on?"
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
—
luke (@internetluke) November 10, 2025****
Make some noise if you love Jesus.
Now make some Jesus if you love noise
now make some love if you're a noisy Jesus.
—
Hannibal Buress (@hannibalburess) November 12, 2025[at interview]
"ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him"
umm
"..."
subwoofer?
"welcome to the navy seals"
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) August 18, 2025****
"Ok, I'm afraid your son suffered a huge head trauma and if--"
"Oh my god! Is he goi-"
"Pretty sure I'm still talking. Rude."
—
David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 10, 2025"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it
—
Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2025****
Names for groups of animals:
A pile of horse
A hella rats
A cone of llamas
A bed of geese
A water park of raccoons
A gratin of ants
France
—
Jazmasta (@jazmasta) November 05, 2025"Bleach, you've done such a good job on pools & whites we're promoting you to a tougher job."
"Don't say assholes don't sa-
"It's assholes!"
—
ibid (@ibid78) January 03, 2025****
"Dad where do muppets come from?"
"Well son, when two muppets love each other they undress until only hands remain, then those hands shake."
—
ibid (@ibid78) February 11, 2025If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:
- Tickle it
- If HE laughs it's a male
- If SHE laughs it's a female
—
Jazmasta (@jazmasta) June 18, 2025
White House.gov
