"911 whats ur emergency"
omg im DYING
"we'll send someone right awa-"
i met THE funiest guy
"ok wait so ur not actualy-"
AND HE STABBED ME
—
jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 14, 2025[first date]
Her: so, if you were stranded on an island, and could only br-
Me: Shrek 2 DVD
Her: but you don't have a TV-
Me: Shrek. 2. DVD.
—
cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) July 10, 2025****
Imagine you're about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a "University of Phoenix" degree on the wall
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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) July 04, 2025[Me bird watching] When do they fuck?
[Old man] They don't
[Me] Then why are we watching them
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) July 13, 2025****
Read these shocking ten facts about gluten before you sink your teeth into a nice loaf http://t.co/ruWa4L2WnL
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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) July 04, 2025Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) June 02, 2025****
Me: I just love when girls are like, "I'm literally dying." As if we're not all fucking slowly dying.
Barista: ...ok so did u want coffee
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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 22, 2025you can literally ride a goat into any Wal-Mart. nobody cares. no one there will even notice
—
cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 22, 2025****
[just about to have sex for the first time and I recall that I missed the one week of sex ed in school]
Me: Im sorry what the fuck is that
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cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 17, 2025Zoo Keeper: Don't throw reese's cups at the penguins!
Me: ye but they eatin them tho
[ZK stares at penguins]
ZK: oh shit they eatin them tho
—
ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) February 24, 2025
