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Jane Coaston: THE WHITE HOUSE. WASHINGTON, D.C. A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
From the office of President Barack Obama
To the office of Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT):
Hey, buddy. Hey, friend.
How’s it going? How are things? Things good? I hope things are good. I hope things are really, really good with you and your family and the nutritional supplement industry and EVERYTHING ELSE IN YOUR THIRD-FROM-THE-PRESIDENCY-BUT-AIN’T-NEVER-GOING-TO-SMELL-THE-DAMN-SEAT LIFE, ORRIN.
Hey, what was that you said last week?
Something about, say, a certain Supreme Court justice nomination?
I believe what you told Newsmax, which is a news source (maybe?), was: “The President told me several times he’s going to nominate a moderate … [Obama] could easily name Merrick Garland, who is a fine man … [But] he probably won’t do that because this appointment is about the election…”
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WELL, GUESS WHAT, ORRIN. GUESS FUCKING WHAT. I’M NOMINATING YOUR PAL MERRICK GARLAND TO THE SUPREME MOTHERFUCKING COURT AND AIN’T SHIT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, FRIEND. I JUST INVITED YOU TO A STEAKHOUSE BUT IT’S A FRIDAY DURING LENT, EXCEPT THE STEAKHOUSE IS CALLED “A CENTRIST JURIST YOU ALREADY LIKE” AND LENT IS “YOUR FUCKING PARTY IS A BUNCH OF EELS IN AN UN-AIR-CONDITIONED SUBWAY CAR, SLAPPING EACH OTHER FOR ETERNITY.”
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I put your fucking party on a RAFT with this nomination, Orrin, and I pushed you off the riverbank into the distance. You want to play politics with ME? You think I’m going to just nominate the most liberal person I can find to the Supreme Court when your party is already being a WET BAG OF ANGRY CATS? No. No. I’m going to nominate the candidate who is going to make shit, like, seventh-grade dance level awkward for you, and I’m going to stand by and WATCH. IT’S BEEN A LONG EIGHT YEARS, ORRIN, AND I JUST WENT DOWN TO THE BASEMENT TO SEE IF I HAD ANY POLITICAL FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE, AND NO. NO, IT APPEARS I AM FRESH OUT.
More here
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