Ever get the feeling that Netflix are trying to tell you something? http://t.co/JY9MtCpH3M
—
(@JamieDMJ) October 07, 2025Yes I'd like to order the ENTIRE menu.
"Sir, this is a pet stor-"
ENTIRE MENU
—
shady character (@tom_illusion) October 06, 2025****
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
—
Jason Miller (@longwall26) August 12, 2025Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
—
Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 06, 2025****
Ebola is transmitted through blood and saliva so I better stop punching my haters so hard and smooching all these gorgeous babes
—
Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 02, 2025"I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!"
- Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
—
Pride Of Chuck E. (@aka_fatman) October 05, 2025****
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.
—
Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) August 30, 2025I messed up http://t.co/5XMi5VPqCe
—
Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) May 05, 2025****
The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) September 30, 2025What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) September 04, 2025****
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) September 02, 2025ADVICE FOR NEW COLLEGE STUDENTS: Study hard, follow your dreams, and try not to think about how you'll be broke and unemployed in 4 years.
—
Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) August 18, 2025****
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
—
Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 19, 2025Honestly Officer, I do have a few ideas as to why I'd get pulled over, but I'm kind of afraid to tell you. Let's both say it on 1-2-3, ok?
—
Sad Peruna (@SadPeruna) December 09, 2025@SadPeruna @RobElliottComic Have had similar conversation with local Officer... My response got my car searched...
—
00000 (@off_momma) June 18, 2025****
Shout out to Amazon for printing a huge smile on the box that was left at my door so even illiterate people want to steal it.
—
The Cat Whisperer (@man_spach) September 05, 2025*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It's for you.
—
Pride Of Chuck E. (@aka_fatman) July 27, 2025****
"Daddy will u tuck me in?:)"
"Ok"
*tucks him in*
"Daddy sing me a song:)"
"Ok"
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
—
Hitmonjake (@jake_likes_naps) July 31, 2025"The day you were born was the best day of my life."
Dad that's so swee-
"Shut up and let me finish. The McRib had just come back...
—
Grenade Spice (@shadygrenade) May 31, 2025
White House.gov
