NASA wrote back to me. http://t.co/pu5LjGpKVO
—
Jamie Jones (@JamieDMJ) November 23, 2025[A dog is leaving a note on my car]
"Whats going on?"
You're getting a 'barking' ticket
"Hahah oh wow thats clever"
This isnt a fucking joke
—
eric (@dubstep4dads) July 29, 2025****
What vaccination does a bird get in the winter? A FLEW sh- *before I can finish Satan grabs hold of me & pulls me down to the fiery inferno*
—
patrick (@tastefactory) November 26, 2025windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
—
thomas violence (@thomas_violence) November 23, 2025****
haha ok son here's another riddle, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?
"a chair haha duh, nice try mo—
it's your dog. spot's dead billy
—
chet porter (@chetprtr) June 11, 2025"sure, small horses would be cool why not. i don't care anymore." -god making ponies
—
chuuch (@ch000ch) November 21, 2025****
don't think of it as a break up, think of it as a remix. oh i almost forgot your dog got remixed by a car yesterday
—
mustard (@nice_mustard) November 29, 2025"So why do you want to be a doctor?"
*imagines taking a bunch of drugs and listening to my own dick with a stethoscope*
...To help people.
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) November 09, 2025****
How do we know you're not a cop?
"Uh hello..."
*unzips jacket revealing 'I ❤ Crimes' t-shirt*
*bad guys look at each other*
OK he's legit...
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) July 09, 2025Not saying I went to the roughest high school, but I was voted Most Likely to Shut the Fuck Up White Boy You Ain't Shit Fuck You
—
Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) September 17, 2025****
COP: You're under arrest for owning a non-domesticated animal.
ME:(looks at otter)You mean Dave?
COP:...and for this weed
ME: That's Dave's
—
Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) December 10, 2025waiter: "can i take your order?"
eve staring adam dead in the eye: "how are the ribs?"
adam: "you bitch"
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) November 21, 2025****
"Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?"
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
"Grad school."
—
ibid (@ibid78) November 18, 2025"Dad, how are babies made?"
"Well, when a man and a woman are having relationship issues they sometimes think a child will make it better"
—
Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) November 16, 2025
White House.gov
