*shakes wife awake*
*whispers*
Karen. Karen! Don't make any sudden moves...he's back again. http://t.co/4Xb5jPfXPL
—
Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) August 20, 2025APPLE: Have you ever been kayaking?
2ND APPLE: No.
APPLE: I hear it's really good for your core.
2ND APPLE: I don't want to be in this tweet
—
Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 20, 2025****
Son you're grounded
BUT MOM
*dad walks in*
*son whispers in dad's ear*
*dad nods*
Sorry hon he's invoked bros before hos. Grounding revoked.
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 17, 2025*travels back in time to middle ages*
Me: and this is penicillin it-
Villagers:SHOW US THAT EMOJI AGAIN I LIKE THE 1 WITH THE SUNGLASSES
—
Sad Tree (@sad_tree) August 24, 2025****
*points to menu*
"is the chicken natural?"
[back in the kitchen a chicken with breasts spilling out of her top is chased by the chef]
yes
—
Brent (@murrman5) September 19, 2025Mom, Dad, I'm going to be a magician. Let me show you a trick-
*dad interrupts*
IS IT THE ONE WHERE YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING LAID DISAPPEAR
—
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 19, 2025****
*gives up seat on bus for an old lady*
*whispers in her ear*
"This isn't over"
—
Jazmasta (@jazmasta) July 02, 2025Uncle Ned was a good man who was taken from us far too soon by emphysema. You might say…
"Dan-"
he went from coughin'-
"DAN, NO!"
to coffin
—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 19, 2025****
"You can tell me anything, son. I will always love you."
"I break the pasta before boiling it."
"Farewell, little barbarian."
—
Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 18, 2025"Hello what's your emergency"
OMG IT'S MY DAD HE ISN'T BREATHING
"haha jk this is pizza hut"
NOT cool bro...ok lemee get a large meat lovers
—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 20, 2025****
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
—
eric (@dubstep4dads) September 13, 2025*looks down at my shirt*
you got something against AC/DC?
"no"
then can I continue?
"I suppose"
dearly beloved, we are gathered here today t
—
Brent (@murrman5) September 18, 2025****
Duck internet search history:
Bread
Bread pudding?
what is "breadwinner"
how to become breadwinner
where to win bread
Duck boobs
Free bread
—
Marin Hubka (@marinhubka) July 30, 2025iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires
—
(@dubstep4dads) August 12, 2025****
man...im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
"you could what?"
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
"thought so."
—
cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 05, 2025Karen?
"Yes?"
*gets down on one knee*
Will you...
*gasp*
...please learn to tie your own fucking laces for gods sake...you're 38.
—
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) June 10, 2025
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