My son asked what being a grown-up
is like, so I gave him $48 to buy the
$49 Xbox game he's been begging for
—
Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) May 23, 2025And then Jesus performed an unbelievable miracle..
"No way.." I said skeptically..
He then faintly whispered:
"Yahweh."
—
Chris Scarlette (@ChrisScarlette) February 07, 2025****
http://t.co/OL9MaGs1Cw
—
ann love supreme (@omically) February 08, 2025http://t.co/d1UNMW3ve5
—
Matt (@matt___nelson) February 08, 2025****
*throws tiny rocks at your bedroom window until you open it*
*harsh whisper* DOES YOUR CAT LIKE THE VEST I MADE HIM
—
lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) February 04, 2025[grabs Walmart intercom]
IF DIGIORNOS ISNT DELIVERY THEN HOW IS IT DELIVERED TO THE STORE??
*fighting noises*
DELIVER US THE TRUTH
—
Trent (@trentistweeting) February 06, 2025****
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
—
Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 21, 2025Actual footage: http://t.co/QYXY15VpeG
—
Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 01, 2025****
She wears her heart on her sleeve, her pancreas on her shoes, her lungs on her skirt, her liver o...
She's disemboweled, is what I'm saying.
—
(@KattsDogma) January 29, 2025"Where the hood, where the hood, where the hood at?"
-DMX discovering sweaters
—
Jimi Torosian (@jimmytorosian) January 25, 2025****
[At McDonalds]
"ugh pickles. I hate pickles"
[Family of pickles on next table]
"Just ignore them kids"
—
Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 08, 2025"That'll be $19.94."
*pulls out $50 bill*
"Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?"
*pulls out $25 bill*
—
Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 01, 2025****
-The name's Bond. James Bond.
-I've written Bond now.
-Oh. Can you change it or is it too late?
-When your coffee's ready they'll call Bond
—
Keri (@kerihw) July 04, 2025Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little nookie.
Jack saw poon
And came too soon
And Jill left muttering 'rookie.'
—
Batkaren (@batkaren) January 27, 2025
White House.gov
