11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
—
Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) June 13, 2025*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
—
dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 26, 2025****
COMEDIAN: so wheres everybody from
ALIEN: [sweating under his human costume] north america
—
Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 01, 2025[concerned parents looking at the ride I built for my son's party]
"is it safe?"
yes
*kids go on and welcome to the jungle starts playing*
—
brent (@murrman5) June 26, 2025****
"Welcome to the jungle"
Thanks.
"We've got fun and games"
Cool.
"You're in the jungle"
We've established this
"You're gonna die!"
Wait what?
—
TwitnterIsComing (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 23, 2025"..all the king's horses & all the king's men couldn't get Humpty together again"
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
—
Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 10, 2025****
[H&R Block 1776]
"so, do you have any independence to claim this year?"
[Thomas Jefferson puts on his shades] you better believe it pal
—
PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) July 03, 2025[Dad runs out of my room] I CANT BELIEVE U MASTURBATE TO THAT FILTH
[Me shouting over the Antiques Roadshow theme] YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOCKED
—
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) June 25, 2025****
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
—
Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) March 18, 2025Donald Trump: i have my favorite muffins flown in each morning
His assistant, later: i put Costco muffins in a suitcase...it makes him happy
—
shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) June 27, 2025****
wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings"
me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
—
k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 19, 2025DR DOG: *struggling to fit his paw into a rubber glove designed for a human hand* So this prostate exam is probably gonna hurt like a bitch
—
Dr Dog (@DrDogMD) June 28, 2025
White House.gov
